


Struggling

by Its_Lemon_Scented



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Athelstan has PTSD, Athelstan’s Scars, Breaking down, Confessions, F/M, Gentleness, Hallucinations, M/M, Make it STOP, Post crucifixion, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ragnar loves Athelstan, Scars, Stigmata, Struggling, Worried Ragnar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 06:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15358620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Its_Lemon_Scented/pseuds/Its_Lemon_Scented
Summary: One day while I’m the Great Hall, Athelstan’s sounds begin to bleed again. This time, Ragnar witnesses it.





	Struggling

It’s been months since his wounds last bled. The last time it happened, was at the settlement at Wessex. Athelstan wasn’t the only one to see it this time, others could see it. Tears had streamed down the former monks face, for he could not explain why this was happening to him.

Nightmares of his crucifixion continue to haunt him every night. When he would wake up, he would either spend hours awake, unable to fall asleep again. Or he would go back to sleep, praying a better dream would come to him.

Sometimes he has good dreams. Dreams of running through the fields, lying in the soft grass. Stare up at the blue sky or a starry night. He’d dream of swimming in the sea like a fish, climbing the tallest mountains, soaring through the sky like a bird. And then there are the dreams with Ragnar. 

Ragnar Lothbrok. The man he once feared, the day he came to the monastery in Lindisfarne. A man who worshipped many Gods instead of just one. One who could have done unspeakable things to him while being his slave, but never hurt him. A curious, ambitious man who showed a genuine interest in the Christian and his religion, and stood up for him when others doubted him. Ragnar Lothbrok. The man who became his dearest friend and the one human being on this earth, whom he loves most with all his heart.

Dreams with Ragnar in them varied. Either there were simple ones with his friend in them, laughing and talking for hours. Or more sinful ones, which he will never utter to anyone. Sinful dreams with strong hands that gripped and explored him, the bluest eyes seeing through to his soul, and that goddamn smirk. At first he was ashamed for dreaming of his friend in such a way, but now, he doesn’t care. Anything is better than dreaming of his crucifixion.

Athelstan tried to convince those who captured him that he was one of them, but they didn’t listen. They captured, beat, and hung him from the cross. If it weren’t for King Ecbert, the Christian would be dead. He thinks about it all the time, but it doesn’t bother him as much anymore. It’s when the wounds start bleeding again, that scares him.

=  
=

Being back with Ragnar again in Kattegat made him very happy. And despite the tension between him and Floki, Athelstan couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

One day while sitting in the Great Hall, the former monk was sitting with Ragnar and Hvitserk, the little boy sitting on his father’s lap. While talking and sipping Ale, Hvitserk said “Father, his hand is bleeding!”

Ragnar’s laughter stopped, his blue eyes going wide, Athelstan felt something warm and wet running down his arm, and more of it down his face. To his horror when the former monk looked down, his hands were covered in blood, and he knew his face was too.

Quickly moving his son off of his lap, Ragnar called for Aslaug before going over to the smaller man. Athelstan dropped down to his knees, hands shaking while he looked at them. He could see his torture playing out in his head again, just as it did the other times. He screamed when he felt the nails piercing into his palms. 

The Northman took the Christian’s face in his hands, despite the blood. “Athelstan? Athelstan, look at me. Look at me!” He made the Christian look at him, seeing fear in his eyes. Ragnar was sure that smaller man could saw the same in his own, but his worry was on Athelstan. When Aslaug walked in, Ragnar said “Bring me rags, bring anything you can, something is happening to him. Hurry!”

She went off, and he turned back to his friend. Athelstan was furiously wiping his hands off on his pants, his tunic, screaming for it to stop. Ragnar blinked back tears as he said “Hey, hey, listen to me. I do not know what is happening, but we will take care of it. We will, I will take care of you, my friend. Breathe with me.”

When it appeared he was struggling to breath, Ragnar shook him by his shoulders and said “Athelstan, breathe!” And soon he mimicked the Northman, taking deep breaths in and exhaling out. Seeing the Christian like this, blood all over his face and his hands, seeing how terrified he was, Ragnar struggled to hide his worry. The larger man put on a smile for him and said “There you go, you are doing so good.” Patting Athelstan’s cheek.

The former monk looked up at him through his lashes, fresh tears threatening to spill, and he said “Make it stop. Please Ragnar, make it stop!” His voice cracking.

Aslaug and one of the servants came in with water and rags, and as soon as the water was set in front of him, he prepared one of the rags. But when he turned to start with the Christians hands, he stopped. All the blood was gone from his face, hands, and forearms. The Northman knew it was there, but it disappeared as if it never happened.

Athelstan saw that the blood was gone, and they all looked at each other, confirming what they saw. Ragnar sighed in relief and dropped the rag into the bucket before pulling the Christian into a tight hug. Athelstan hugged back, burying his face into the Northman’s shoulder before he broke down. “I just want it to stop.”

=  
=

After what happened, Athelstan locked himself in his room. He sat on the edge of his bed, he was trying to figure out what it all meant. If this was a sign or if he was being punished. If it would ever stop.

At some point someone knocked on his door and Ragnar asked “Athelstan? May I come in?”

The Christian wanted to tell him no, tell him he just wanted to be alone, but sighed. “Yes.” Keeping his eyes down.

Ragnar closed the door behind him, keeping his distance in case his friend didn’t want him too close. Athelstan could feel the larger man’s eyes on him and sighed. “Before you ask, I don’t know what happened, or what caused it. I just know it’s not the first time this has happened.”

The Northman’s eyes widened, and he took a step forward. “This is not the first time?”

The Christian looked back at him, shaking his head. “No. The first time happened I was alone. Then again, at the settlement given to us by King Ecbert, Lagertha and a few others saw it too.”

Ragnar came and stood right in front of him, squatting down to his level. The Christian looked up, seeing the worry in his eyes again. The larger man asked “And why is this the first time I am hearing about it?”

“Because I didn’t want to worry you. When Lagertha saw it, I made her promise me that she would not tell you. But this isn’t a big deal, Ragnar. It’s all in my head-“

“Apparently not. If it is all in your head, it must be in mine, Aslaug’s, and that slave girl’s as well. We must all be going mad then. So do not tell me that this is no big deal Athelstan. Because it is.” Blinking, the Northman sighed and said “You had me so worried.”

Athelstan said “I was not trying to worry you. But I have no control over this. Is it a punishment, a sign? I don’t know. Besides, this is has been the first time this has happened since I was in Wessex, I was sure it wouldn’t happen again.”

The Christian could feel his bottom lip quivering, and he swallowed. “What’s happening to me, Ragnar?” A tear rolling down his cheek.

Ragnar wiped the tear away with his thumb and took the former monks face in his hands. He said “I wish I knew, my friend. But if this happens again, come find me. Find me, and I swear to the Gods I will do anything I can for you.”

Athelstan nodded and smiled a little. “I will, I promise.”

The Northman smiled in return and said “Good.” Before gently pulling the smaller man’s head down, pressing a kiss to his forehead.


End file.
